Why are we so afraid of being alone, or more precisely, afraid of being lonely?

 

My NLP/Astrology teacher Deepak has said, being lonely is being missing someone's presence and most of the time is that we feel a part of ourselves is missing.   But being alone does not necessarily have to be lonely because we can stand alone but feeling complete and whole rather than thinking we need to find someone else to fill up the hole in our heart.  Usually it's a big black hole that can never be filled up with never ending suffering.

 

But how do we cope with our loneliness before we can have a full realization of the truth of stand strong being alone?

 

On my way to Malaysia in Feb, I saw the movie “The secret life of bees”, based on a novel by Sue Monk Kidd.  I've read the novel and loved it very much so I was really excited that I get to see the film on the airplane.  The story is about a 14 year old girl, Lily Owen.  She lives on a peach farm in South Carolina with her harsh, unyielding father.  She has shaped her entire life around one devastating blurred memory-the afternoon her mother was killed. To escape her lonely life and troubled relationship with her father, Lily flees with Rosaleen, her caregiver and only friend, to a town called Tiburon where holds the secret to her mother's past.  There they were taken in by an eccentric trio of black beekeeping sisters named May, June and August.  Maternal loss and betrayal, guilt and forgiveness entwine in a story that leads Lily to the very single thing her heart longs for the most.

 

Towards the end of the movie, when Lily's father T-Ray came to Tiburon to find her, she said to him,” There's this big black hole in my heart.  I always thought it is because I'm missing my mother.  But I never thought about how you feel…..”  And at this point, I've already cried my head off that the flight attendant had to bring me a big box of tissue paper to wipe away the waterfall on my face.

 

I realized most of the time, we can be so stuck and blind in our own suffering and issues that we don't see the other person right in front of us.  We are so busy feeling hurt and blaming other people and ourselves, and we are totally unavailable to respond to the reality at the moment. 

 

I ran away many times from my past relationships just because I was resenting my partner not being emotionally available and I was hurt very much by it.  It was such a lonely and helpless place to be by myself.  Yet, when I close myself up, no one can come in and I can't go out either, and there's forever missing parts………..

 

I think there's nothing wrong to leave a relationship when we feel hurt, and it's true sometimes the other party may just treat us wrongly and hurtfully, because they are also in their wounds that they are just not available for us.   But if we closed ourselves up because of the fear of getting hurt again, then the pain is forever there regardless time and space.  We wouldn't be looking at the other person's real face or feeling their hearts.  We would be just like a mouse running on a treadmill, keep circling in the images created by our own wounds.  No matter how long it takes, no matter who comes along into our lives, we still live in the images, feelings, patterns from the same old tape or film from the past.  We wouldn't be responding to the present reality. 

 

Sometimes our reality could be to say, “I really need you!” or “please don't leave me!” or “ please don't hurt me!”, but very often, before we can show our vulnerability, we've already decided that they will hurt us.  We think we can protect ourselves by pushing them away before they do any harm to us.  But in fact, we are the ones who push ourselves into that lonely dark corner and into the old patterns of suffering. 

 

My dear friend Kingsley has sent me the song “You are not alone” by Michael Jackson. 

The lyric says, “ Just the other night, I thought I heart you cry, asking me to come, and hold you in my arm.  I can hear your prayers.  Your burdens I'll bear.  But first I need your hand, then forever can begin………” I was listening to the song by myself at home and crying out loud again listening to this verse.  How many times we really needed someone, but we were not willing or afraid to reach out our hands or open our hearts.  Instead we stay small and suffer from feeling lonely, tinking no one is around.  It sounds a bit tricky, but we do do that, don't we??   

 

I was once so terrified by men, thinking they will hurt me, abandoned me, even devour me physically.  I'm not kidding, I'm a rather physically small size woman,  sometimes I literally fear that they will crash me.  One time I was really in love with this man who is to me a person full of love and wisdom.  He is much older in age than me, much more experienced in life than me, much bigger in physical size then me.  I admired him and adored him, but I was afraid of getting closer to him as I felt small, stupid and inexperienced before him.   There's this one time when we were getting rather intimate physically, as I got closer to him, I could feel myself started shaking very intensely.  Big flash of fear just raised in me.  My lips and hands were trembling and I just kept on breathing hoping it'll all go away soon.  At the same time I also really wanted to run away so I don't have to face all these.  Unexpectedly, at this point, he said, “please don't hurt me!!”  Out of total surprise, I stopped shaking, stunned for 5 seconds, then I went up to him and said, “I won't hurt you, I'll take care of you and cherish you….”  All my fear was gone in that moment and I became much bigger in capacity emotionally.  My perception just shifted and expanded.  I deeply appreciated him being open and vulnerable with me.  With him being so, I had no time to hide in my fear.  I reconnected with my strength to love.  Yet, I did this alone, with his support alright, but after all, I choose so, I did it myself, alone and I'm most grateful that he's been in my life.

 

And we're never alone, because when we have similar experiences, we share a common space in our heart.  When we take the courage to go through it, we grow, expand, gain strength, and we stand tall by ourselves.  We claim and own back the missing parts within and we've always got each other as long as we reach out to connect.

 

 

You are not alone

by Michael Jackson

 

Another day has gone
I'm still all alone
How could this be
You're not here with me
You never said goodbye
Someone tell me why
Did you have to go
And leave my world so cold

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

All alone
Why, alone

Just the other night
I thought I heard you cry
Asking me to come
And hold you in my arms
I can hear your prayers
Your burdens I will bear
But first I need your hand
Then forever can begin

Everyday I sit and ask myself
How did love slip away
Something whispers in my ear and says
That you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
For you are not alone

Whisper three words and I'll come runnin'
And girl you know that I'll be there
I'll be there

You are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay
For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though you're far away
I am here to stay

For you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart

For you are not alone...

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